How I Broke the "I Feel Ugly" Negative Self-Talk Cycle

I remember the first time I felt ugly. I was barely eight years old eating dinner with my relatives, when my aunt commented on my arms. “They're chubby,” she said. It was just a few words—a throwaway comment, really—but they changed everything I thought about myself.

If I ate very little and exercised a lot, I would have thin arms, flat abs, and a thigh gap. To be skinny was to be pretty and if I wasn't skinny, then, well, I wasn't beautiful.

Many of us have felt ugly once in our lives. Cringed in the mirror, fixated on perceived flaws, or wished for a smaller waistline, narrower nose, or taller stature. But why do we feel this way—and how can we stop it?

Feeling Ugly Is Common—Too Common, Actually

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, why do so many of us struggle to feel confident, beautiful, and desirable in our own skin? After all, body issues are one of the current largest mental health concerns. It's especially common in high-income English-speaking countries like the United States, where European beauty standards (light skin, thin noses, and tall, slender bodies) are considered ideal. A poor body image leads to higher rates of eating disorders and other mental health issues like psychosocial functioning, depression, and postpartum depression.

But feeling ugly isn’t solely a Western concept. A cross-sectional study looking at body image issues among Indian college girls in Coimbatore found that 77.6% of students experienced body image dissatisfaction that stemmed from sociocultural pressure to be thin. The students engaged in risky weight loss behaviors like skipping meals and eating smaller portions to change their physical appearance and improve their body shape.

Why Do You Feel Ugly? (FYI: It’s Not You, It’s the World)

It took me decades of yoyo dieting and extreme workouts to realize that slimness doesn't equate to beauty. For so long, my self-worth was tied to my body image—a belief that began in childhood.

So much of our self-worth gets defined during adolescence, says registered dietician Megan Hilbert, MS. When peers or family members negatively comment about our appearance, we internalize these messages. And this begins as early as three to four years old.

However, it's not always family members' or friends' comments. Body image issues and feelings of unattractiveness can stem from a complex interplay of psychological, social, and cultural factors, says Tatiana Rivera Cruz, MSW, LCSW. These factors include:

• Media influence: Constant exposure to idealized, unrealistic, and frequently filtered or heavily edited body types in media can lead individuals to compare themselves unfavorably, leading to feelings of inadequacy and beliefs about one's unattractiveness.

• Social comparison: People frequently compare themselves to others in real life and online. Seeing others who seem more attractive or fit can trigger negative self-assessments.

• People frequently compare themselves to others in real life and online. Seeing others who seem more attractive or fit can trigger negative self-assessments and self-judgment.

• Cultural standards: Societal standards of beauty can be narrow and exclusionary, making it difficult for people who do not fit these ideals to feel attractive.

• Psychological factors: Conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and body dysmorphic disorder can distort self-perception and amplify negative thoughts about one’s appearance.

• Perfectionism: A desire for perfection and fear of not meeting certain standards can lead to chronic dissatisfaction with one’s looks.

How Feeling Ugly Affects Your Mental Health

My mental health deteriorated when I started high school. I desperately wanted to lose weight and fit into a size zero, so I skipped lunch and ate little at dinner. Around 8:00 p.m., I'd become ravenous and scarf down multiple pieces of bread only to purge afterward. This cycle continued in secret until ninth grade.

Many people suffering from negative body image engage in similar behaviors to mine, says Hilbert. A negative perception of yourself can make you feel intense shame or unhappiness. It can create mental health conditions like depression and anxiety along with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder, and avoidant restrictive food intake disorder.

“Other mental health concerns like body dysmorphia and body dysmorphic disorder can stem from negative body image,” says Hilbert. “The fixation to obsesses over appearance and perceived flaws can cause their mental health to suffer greatly.”

Cruz adds that negative self-perception, especially related to body image, can contribute to social isolation. Fears of judgment and rejection can prompt you to withdraw or avoid social interactions, which only worsens feelings of loneliness. Not to mention, poor body image can lead to obsessive-compulsive behaviors like excessive grooming, checking mirrors, or seeking cosmetic procedures.

Coping Strategies to Stop Feeling Ugly

Learning to love and accept yourself and your physical body can be a long and challenging journey, but one you can start now. Here's how.

Surround Yourself With Positivity

Cruz says building self-confidence and fostering a positive body image is a great start. Challenge and replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations about your body and self-worth. Gently consider what may be at the root of these thoughts and heal them from the source. Hang out with supportive friends and family who appreciate you for who you are and avoid negative influences that promote unrealistic body standards. *cough* social media *cough*

Be Mindful of Your Media Consumption

The Internet is an unkind place that can affect your self-perception. Hilbert says that social media is designed to focus heavily on appearance and constantly uses filtered images to distort how "normal" people look. It emphasizes physical features and promotes the idea that self-worth is linked to attractiveness.

But remember, social media is not—and has never been—real. But rather full of filtered and highly edited images that don't reflect the majority of people's looks. Limiting your social media use can improve your body image and self-esteem, plus encourage positive thoughts on your feelings about your weight and appearance.

Naturally, it's not so easy to stop mindlessly scrolling on Instagram (trust me, we're all victims of doing it!). Instead of quitting cold turkey, input screen time limits on your phone. Or, reconfigure your social media feeds by following accounts that promote inclusivity and body diversity.

“Understanding the pervasive nature of these standards can help you reject them,” says Cruz.

Mindfully curating the content you consume can also be helpful. Seek out and follow accounts that champion body positivity, diverse expressions of beauty, and self-love.

Focus on What Your Body Can Do

Hilbert says that instead of focusing on what your body looks like, learn to appreciate what it can do.

Women especially are taught to view themselves through the lens of others. When we can get a first-person view of ourselves and focus on how our body carries us through the world and allows us to experience all kinds of amazing things, it puts less pressure on our body to be viewed as something that is primarily decorative.

— MEGAN HILBERT, MS, RDN

Cruz recommends finding a form of exercise you enjoy. Running. Swimming. Dancing. Hiking, Gentle wakings. Paddleboarding. Pickleball. Maybe even yoga, hmm? Really, choose any physical activity that boosts mood and helps you appreciate your body for its strength and capabilities rather than just its appearance.

Practice Self-Care

You can never go wrong with self-care—it's *the* guaranteed way to improve mental health and boost self-esteem. Do things that make you feel good like relaxing in a bath, reading, or pursuing hobbies. Choose clothing you feel comfortable and confident in, rather than what’s trendy or what you think you “should” wear.

“Engage in mindfulness practices to become more aware of your body’s capabilities and express gratitude for what your body can do,” Cruz says.

Seek Professional Help

Learning to love myself and healing my relationship with my body is an ongoing journey. I’ve had to decondition myself from toxic beliefs, practice self-compassion, assess social relationships, adopt balanced eating habits, and redefine my self-worth. I am more than a body. As a mother of two wonderful children, I strive to be a strong and healthy role model for them. Do I have days where I feel ugly? Sadly, yes; however, those are few and far in between.

Body image issues won't be solved overnight—and while self-care routines and limited social media use can make you feel better, sometimes it's not enough. A multifaced approach (like cognitive-behavior therapy), support groups, or medication may be needed to improve your self-perception and overall mental health, says Cruz.

If negative body image and low self-confidence are significantly disrupting your life, it’s important to reach out to a mental health professional who specializes in body image issues. (Luckily, we have a list of the best resources for anyone struggling with eating disorders and body dysmorphia down below).

“On a societal level, it's important to push back on body objectification and making negative remarks about others’ appearances,” says Hilbert. “As much as we can preach resilience, getting to the root cause of body image dissatisfaction often starts with how we treat and talk to others about their body.”

By Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP

Katharine is the author of three books (How To Deal With Asian Parents, A Brutally Honest Dating Guide and A Straight Up Guide to a Happy and Healthy Marriage) and the creator of 60 Feelings To Feel: A Journal To Identify Your Emotions. She has over 15 years of experience working in British Columbia's healthcare system.